Beef or chicken?

We've just returned from holiday and this is why I am, for the moment, vowing not to fly any time soon unless it is totally and absolutely necessary and no trains are going that direction. A ship I do not even want to attempt and any trip by car lasting more than 5 hours I'm not interested in either.

My husband also reckons that I should not fly anymore since I am gradually becoming more freaked out each time the pilot starts to descend for a landing. I'm hanging horizontally over him and the next seat, making unsettling noises and saying my "goodbyes" just for in case...totally terrified of the landing, which I every time assume is going to be a disaster.

Next thing: can they make the legroom any smaller than it already is? Because they sure are trying. Really. And I can't figure why they have the option of reclining one's seat, since the difference between the "upright" position and the "reclining" posistion is about less than none. They're just screwing with your head...

One also has to have gymnastical skills to be able to close the airplane toilet door. Stand on the toilet seat first and then lock it? Standing room only in there. I think the Women's Liberation Movement should take up this matter with the airlines since the "washroom" is definitely not designed with women in mind. That's why I don't drink a drop when flying and are thus totally dehydrated and looking exactly like my passport photo upon arrival. Highly unhealthy and unadvisable! Do not try this at home...

I was thinking that maybe they should just take out ALL the seats in the plane and let each passenger bring their own blanket and let's camp out there on the floor. You bring your own snack - nothing is for free on the plane either way and the 2 minute noodles they do sell aboard is doing no one sitiing next to the person eating it, any favours. "Cookies or Bits and Bites" (it's a pretzel kind of snack) replaced the catch phrase "chicken or beef" - never thought we would miss those days.

An air hostess in the previous decade, was one of the most stylish and sophisticated types. No wonder they all married sheiks and billionaires they met on the plane. Don't think this happens anymore...not at the look of things if you know what I mean. They're more like a teacher or school principal. Of course there's still the odd exception here or there - I just haven't seen any lately.

In the early days of air travel, flying was such a sophisticated affair. Everyone was dressed in their Sunday best when boarding a plane. Woman wore hats and dresses. Men wore suits and ties. And top hat. I don't say we should go back THAT far, but honestly, do you really need to wear an outfit which hasn't seen the washing machine since Christmas - not quite sure how many Christmases ago though? And since when did washing one's hair become only a monthly occurence?

Orson Welles summed it up like this: There are only two emotions in a plane:  boredom and terror.  Well surely he travelled before one could watch satellite TV and movies on demand but he's quite right about the terror part. Like the guy who said that he's not afraid of flying, but only of falling! If it's not the terror of taking off and landing, it's the terror of sitting near the mom who forgot about her birth control and now have 4 kids under the age of 5. Or the guy without laundry detergent at home, or shampoo, as mentioned before. Or the person ordering the instant noodle mix...and so on and so forth.

Airports are just as terrifying to me. If you want to know how much food and souvenirs and some other unnecessaries are going to cost in about 5 years' time - then buy it at an airport store/restaurant now. I am still toying with the idea of starting a chain of hair salons at airports - way more needed than the soft toy kiosk or Hermes scarf store.

Then there's everyone's favourite: going through security! Nowadays it's something just a little short of stripping down naked. Everytime I fly, the scanner picks up something on me, everytime I get pulled aside to be patted down, and everytime they find no bombs attached to my body. They want you to take off your shoes also but the floor you then have to walk on is so dirty that you fear you're going to pick up something for which no modern medicine would have a cure for.

If only there was another mode of transport altogether between continents...but until then I'm staying put for a while - at home.

Until I see the next special going to the Bahamas!!